Can you remember what your life was like a year ago today? No seriously, go on, have a ponder because, I garuntee, that you will first of all go "Oh yeah, I was doing that wasn't I" and then those clever little rational sensations will kick in and lead you toward your eventual conclusion of "Shit! How did things change so dramatically?"
You see, change is inevitable, unavoidable, and there are always obvious reasons as to why things have changed, either for the worse or the better. So, if a year ago you were giving tramp's handjobs so that you could share their leaf (umbrella), and today you live in a mansion where tramps cue up to give you handjobs for acorns (food, or ideal source from which future trees will grow, giving off plentiful amounts of leaves (umbrellas)), this was probably due to some good deed you preformed along the way. Alternatively, if you were a year ago running through fields of sunflowers with your new lover making plans to get a cuddly puppy together, and are now buying a puppy for the soul purpose of dressing it in tunics and parading it through town in an attempt to replace the ex-lover who left you, then you may have made a mistake along the way. My example is this; a year ago I was happy and healthy. Today I am niether. I know what your thinking, Cliche alert! But hear me out.
You see the reasons are simple. A year ago I had more money, was living the student life and was blissfully unaware of finding directions in life and the like. As the months went on I spent alot of money on nights out and sociallising, in the vain attempt of gaining more friends which I hoped would guide me on my path to enlightement. Instead, I lost alot of money, a lot of time, and made no new friends because I was too exhausted from the lack of sleep to be that confident happy guy who you see in bars and clubs and visualise mameing.
It has now come to the end of the line! Time for some regeneration, time for some much earned sleep and health updating (which sounds crass, but could be a great title for an album, or a self motivation guide. Don't tut, you know it to be true). Over the previous weekend's frolics and pathetic attempts at making friends and potential lovers (the only true link to a year ago) I reached enlightenment; I am forever chasing dreams, health provides the Pegasus Boots! If I am to achieve any of the long lists of dreams and desires that I currently hold, I must first sort myself out physically and mentally, and my good health will be the catylist driving me towards that state. Again this sounds wet and quite frankly fucking obvious, but for a simpleton like me, this kind of thing is christmas! Hence, from this day forth, I shall try, nay, strive to be a better specimen and I will find what im looking for. If not then fuck it, it was worth a try, I wouldn't have spent any money, and I'll still have the Pegasus Boots, which are awesome. I mean they must be worth a bit, even if they do become second hand (or should that be foot?!?)..............
I know exactly what you mean, and my only way of attempting to cope is to spend a couple of nights a month in Oxford to kid myself into thinking I still live there, have a life and am happy etc.
ReplyDeleteIs it just that we can't let go? Or was Oxford some sort of inherent 'spiritual home'? Other people seem to take the transition from student life to the rest of life with relative ease but I don't know how they do it. Going home, nay, LIVING at home has an air of the typically 'League of Gentleman'-esque familiarity that has you going "FOR FUCK'S SAKE" at every turn in the road as you bump into an array of ghosts of christmas past, and indeed infant school past, employment past, and 'i-recognise-you-from-Greggs' past.
I won't even go into employment. I don't know how you're faring on the job front, but I'm beginning to think my degree is about as useful to getting a job as it would be to present a turd in a newspaper (which is at least memorable).
And so, in conclusion... there is no conclusion. These days, we have too much bloody choice, while having none at all. As fresh-faced 16-18 year olds we think the world is our oyster, even as bemused 22 year olds we are told the same by our elders. "You can do anything you like these days, you're still young and you've got your degree." Well fuck that, at least in the old days (as recent as the 60s or 70s) you knew how your life was going to pan out; a couple of options, a lot of expectations and some standard social norms that painted a picture of a glamourless (but realistic) life. In this day and age, I don't want to be able to do anything. This sort of attitude has led us to breed a bratty society of impatient twats. Everyone wants to be REALLY rich, REALLY clever and REALLY healthy while eating sushi, and they want it REALLY fast. I've been sucked into this, but still want to know: where did we get all these 'REALLY's?
I henceforth blame the mutation of aspiration into expectation for all this bollocks. Fundamentally, everyone just wants to be happy I suppose, and I don't care if I live in a cave selling candles for the rest of my days... just as long as it's in Oxford. When it comes down to the skeleton of my happiness, through all the pointless pairs of shoes and pocket watches and frivolous Maison Blanc cakes, I just want to spend my days lying in the Botanical gardens with a book and some music, and not a lot else. Hopefully, real life will kick some work ethic into me but for now I'm going to continue my ridiculous denial and hop on a train to Oxford tomorrow... because what else can I do?